“When it comes to starting a conversation, ask a question, answer that question yourself, then ask again – in your first communication,” says Laurel House, a dating and relationship coach and host of the Man Whisperer podcast. “This breaks through the ice, tells them something about who you are, and gives an example of the type of response you how to get back from them.”
“Heres a simple system for asking someone out: Let the initial Tinder exchange come to a natural conclusion, and then write something like, ‘We should meet for a drink. Whats your number?” says Barrett. “Thats all it takes.”
Do: Be Straightforward About How Serious You Are
“Dating apps and online dating make casual ‘hangouts not only easy, but expected,” notes House. “If you’re sick of the casual ‘hangout that leads to a casual non-committal relationship, you need to take control of the dating platform and set the expectation of being serious and on-purpose for a real relationship by creating opportunities for real connection through pre-date conversations where you ask real substantive questions and make an effort to pre-qualify. Then go on a real date. Not a coffee date or a quick drink, but a date.”
Dont: Get Sexual
“Dont get sexual with your initial Tinder or text messages,” cautions Barrett. “Think friendly, not filthy. Sounding too turned on too soon can come across as vulgar. But if youre witty, flirt a little. On Tinder, wit goes a long way and makes you stand out.An opener thats flirty and funny wont just break the ice. It will melt the ice.”
Do: Confirm Your Date
“Text to confirm your date, time, and location the day before or morning of the date by saying, ‘Looking forward to seeing you tomorrow at X at X p.m.!,” suggests House.
Dont: Freak Out Over a Non-Response
“Dont be afraid of ‘ghosts. Sometimes, youll be messaging someone and they go quiet,” says Barrett. “Its just the nature of the platform. Some people get hundreds of matches per week and they just cant keep up with all the messages. Laugh it off. Its not personal. Its Tinder.”
What to Do When It Works
When your Tinder conversation seems to be going somewhere, its magical. Sparks fly. Bells chime. Birds sing. But if you dont have a lot of flirting experience, it can be hard to know whats actually going on. What are the mechanics at work behind a good flirtation session?
Good flirting isnt particularly complicated – its creating a unique conversation between you and your match by engaging enough that they want to come along for the ride.
If you make your Tinder match ling up an outlandish situation, creating a running gag, or instituting some form of emoji code, youre halfway to a good first date already. The key is using what youre good at and interested in, what you know about your match, and combining those factors to create a unique conversation that your match will enjoy and remember.
Even if you discover theres no physical or sexual chemistry later on, conversational chemistry at the outset is a huge factor when it comes to someone wanting to go on a first date with you. Of course, actual, real-life dates are a much better indicator of whether theres a future for the two of you in the cards than just your Tinder conversations.
What to Do When It Doesnt Work
A bad Tinder conversation is more than just a reason to unmatch the other person. Sometimes, theyre so bad you have to consider even deleting the app – or maybe humanity entirely. There are definitely ways to avoid death by boredom, such as actually reading peoples Tinder bios, for one, and not just swiping right on every single human, for two, but that doesnt mean you cant still be a few messages deep before realizing its going nowhere.